The invisible weight that women carry during the holidays - understanding emotional labor
If you are like many women, then the holiday season may carry a particular kind of emotional weight that is often swept under the rug. It’s not simply about coordinating events, wrapping gifts, or handling logistics of holiday meals, even though those pieces are demanding enough on their own. It’s the emotional labor layered beneath all of it that makes this time of year feel overwhelming.
Emotional labor refers to the mental work that nobody else sees. During the holidays it become amplified. It is planning a meal that meets everyone's dietary needs, noticing the emotional shifts in the room, making sure everyone gets a ‘perfect’ gift, snagging candid photos, and managing the relational climate between people. Old family roles are often reactivated. Internal expectations become louder. Plus there is a cultural narrative that the holidays should feel magical, which often defaults to women being the ones responsible for making that happen.
Why it shows up so intensely
Most women weren’t explicitly instructed to become the emotional caretaker. It was something that was molded. Rewarded. Praised. And learned indirectly through subtle messages like:
- Watching the women in your family take responsibility for everyone else’s comfort, while the men watched football.
- Learning that it is “strong” to absorb disappointment.
- Seeing conflict handled by avoidance. Not conversation.
- Hearing, “she’s just the glue of the family” - as a compliment.
- Being praised for being so “mature” for helping the adults make sure things went smoothly.
As adults, this conditioning can make the holiday season feel high stakes emotionally. Many women begin mentally preparing way in advance in hopes that they can prevent tension before it has a chance to emerge, scripting responses in their heads, and thinking through how to make sure everyone feels comfortable, connected, and cared about.
That may not sound like it is a bad thing, but it can lead to an internal belief that if someone becomes upset, disappointed, or uncomfortable - it means that they failed.
The cost of being the emotional anchor
Carrying the emotional responsibility for the group means there is less energy and space for women to acknowledge their own needs, preferences, or experiences. Holiday joy gets replaced with performance. Rest gets replaced with hypervigilance. And connection becomes something that is conditional.
Over time, not only can this harm family relationships, but it reinforces that women’s needs are secondary to everyone else and that self-sacrifice should continue.
Making room for yourself this year
You don’t have to reject the holidays or disengage from meaningful traditions to create room for your own holiday joy. It’s about moving away from the assumption that it is solely your job to create all the magic and protect everyone else from any kind of discomfort or disappointment.
This might look like:
- Delegating some of the planning tasks to someone else
- Leaving a weekend in December just for you
- Noticing when you are trying to predict reactions you can’t actually control
- Naming needs instead of shoving them down
- Being honest about financial limitations
- Sitting down now to name something that will bring you joy that you want to do this year
These shifts still leave room for you to love and care for others around you - they just create space for you too. They are giving you permission to participate in the holiday season rather than just managing it for others.
Therapy can help you rewrite this pattern
If these dynamics feel familiar, therapy can be a space to explore where they started, how they’ve shaped your relationships, and how to move toward patterns that feel less constraining. Emotional labor isn’t just a holiday problem, the holidays just make it more visible.
If you often find yourself exhausted before the season even begins, or dreading the emotional expectations that seem to automatically fall to you, support is available. You don’t have to continue carrying the entire emotional experience alone.
You deserve to have connection, rest, and belonging that doesn’t feel contingent on how much you do for others.